This is my uterus. Well, not my actual uterus, but the stuffed one that I bit while enduring months of injections during the IVF process. I’ve kept her in a special box, along with mementos of the cycles that didn’t work as well as the one that gave us Jax. I’ve often wondered if it was time to pass her on to someone who needed her more than I did, but I haven’t yet been able to bring myself to part with her. Now I know why.
Since having my son via c-section, I’ve been allowing a good deal of pain to ride side-car to my life. The storyline surrounding this pain is rich and holds a theme of “this is my cross to bear.” The universe has been patient with me, until she wasn’t willing to see me suffer anymore. She lovingly guided me through events that landed me in a surgeon’s office, staring through tears at a list of symptoms that were far too familiar & realizing that something was actually wrong.
Navigating my diagnosis (adenomyosis and endometriosis) and deciding the next steps has been both a sigh of relief and a merry-go-round of emotions. Next week, I’ll be undergoing a laparoscopic hysterectomy. I’ve taken the last few months to process through the deeper side of things, reconciling my feelings about femininity, masculinity, fertility, self-care, support systems and motherhood. Today I am ready and grounded in this decision and write from a place of empowerment.
Pain is a stimulant designed to make your brain pay attention but sometimes our own personal stories can cause a jam in the signal. Not all “help-worthy” pain is emergent. In fact, so many of us (especially women) accept pain as part of life. I thought I was having a “normal” experience. It took some time to find a doctor who would listen with the ears I didn’t have and urge me to dig deeper. I don’t know if I would have discovered this without her. Check in with your pain stories and get to know them well. You are important enough to seek relief and it turns out, so am I.
While I’m not super excited for the recovery process, the joy I feel when I think about the prospect of letting go of this pain is abundant. I’ve prepared spiritually, energetically and with actual comforts to help me rest and heal. As much as is possible, I’ve curated my experience with the support systems I need. I’m ready.
I sit in gratitude for the lessons I have learned and will share more when the time is right. For now, I intend to be gentle with myself for the next few weeks. I have resigned to writing and posting from an inspired and energized space only while I rest, so I may be radio silent for the next few weeks. Until then, take care of yourself and of each other. You are exactly where you are supposed to be.